Im tired, overwhelmed with work-related pressures and last night I had a melt down. The kind that you know is passing (and probably should be swallowed) but instead you look at the clock, realize its already past 11pm, so what the hell, might as well wallow in it.
Im disappointing that I cant be more hopeful about this cycle, have faith in the process, faith in W's body, faith we will ever _ever_ be off this TTC hell. Im a typical type-A-achiever so when I fail so many times at something, I generally throw in the towel. Ive got grit like the next guy, but 18 months is a LONG time and I found myself saying "can this be our last try....you know, if it doenst work" -- I think that hurt W's feelings, and frankly freaked her out, but its how I feel. Our lives are so full, we both love and (usually) feel like we have enough time to dedicate to our work, our hobbies and each other, Izzy is amazing and we love the community we have built for ourselves. The idea that our family isnt "complete" may not be the case...and the quest feels like it is draining me.
If there was some inkling that we might actually be pregnant this cycle, I'd be more optimistic but...nada. W feels nothing. Beta is not until Wednesday and we are thinking of sticking it out until then.
The endless rain and constant run-ins with pregnant people, dont seem to be helping either..[le sigh]
Im disappointing that I cant be more hopeful about this cycle, have faith in the process, faith in W's body, faith we will ever _ever_ be off this TTC hell. Im a typical type-A-achiever so when I fail so many times at something, I generally throw in the towel. Ive got grit like the next guy, but 18 months is a LONG time and I found myself saying "can this be our last try....you know, if it doenst work" -- I think that hurt W's feelings, and frankly freaked her out, but its how I feel. Our lives are so full, we both love and (usually) feel like we have enough time to dedicate to our work, our hobbies and each other, Izzy is amazing and we love the community we have built for ourselves. The idea that our family isnt "complete" may not be the case...and the quest feels like it is draining me.
If there was some inkling that we might actually be pregnant this cycle, I'd be more optimistic but...nada. W feels nothing. Beta is not until Wednesday and we are thinking of sticking it out until then.
The endless rain and constant run-ins with pregnant people, dont seem to be helping either..[le sigh]
first of all ((hug)). we were at that point during our two unsuccessful years of ttc. second, have you reached or are you still approaching your breaking point? would putting ttc on the back burner be okay for W (if this cycle doesn't work out)? i know you have a glorious summer of travel planned - how would you feel taking those trips without ttc on your mind?
ReplyDeletep.s. i hesitate to even point this out but you know, many women say the cycle they felt nothing ended up being *the one.*
Thinking of you guys. It's sooo hard when the TTCing feels endless. The only thing that helped me when we were in that place was believing that it would eventually end--one of us would finally get pregnant or we'd look into other ways to add to our family or we'd find a way to be at peace with the family we've got. But there was plenty of wallowing around here too--this @%^&#%&@ is HARD!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I still have hope for you guys for this cycle, and I believe that a lack of symptoms at this point doesn't necessarily mean a negative result.