After an awesome (yet rainy) weekend of feeling *just right* in our family, complete with the minor milestone of starting the shots, it all came crashing down this morning when my coworker (who announced 26 days ago that she was going off birth control so that they could "start" trying in the Fall) told me she "saw double lines -- opps :)"
I hate this process. I hate how easy it is for some people, and how hard.hard.hard it is for others. I hate that I cant just be happy for her. I hate that my mind goes to this dark, jealous place. I hate that if W hadn't miscarried, she would be 39 weeks today. I hate that I cant be fully confident (for fear of jinxing it) or pessimistic (see previous reason) about this IVF cycle. I hate that so much for us is left to the doctors, totally and completely out of our control. I hate.hate.hate this process, but sadly, I desperately want the outcome, so we continue to put ourselves through it.
I hate this process. I hate how easy it is for some people, and how hard.hard.hard it is for others. I hate that I cant just be happy for her. I hate that my mind goes to this dark, jealous place. I hate that if W hadn't miscarried, she would be 39 weeks today. I hate that I cant be fully confident (for fear of jinxing it) or pessimistic (see previous reason) about this IVF cycle. I hate that so much for us is left to the doctors, totally and completely out of our control. I hate.hate.hate this process, but sadly, I desperately want the outcome, so we continue to put ourselves through it.
I so know this feeling! I was such an envy monster before I got pregnant. Tried for 11 cycles and then boom!
ReplyDeleteI am sending you lots of baby dust!
It's so hard. Even after Bunny was born and before we started TTC #2, I just could not find it in me to be happy for anyone who was easily able to conceive.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry.
This is seriously the most universal post that ever existed. If you open any blog I am 100% sure you will see your sentiments copy and pasted everywhere. It is normal and it makes you feel shitty, but it's just human. And I remember feeling bad for being jealous because I didn't want people to feel that way about me when I finally became pregnant. It's a double edged sword for sure.
ReplyDeleteI just experienced similar feelings as well. I know 3 lesbian couples that were trying to get pregnant in the last year. Two of the 3 are now pregnant and one of them already had their baby since they got pregnant on their 2nd try. I get it over it after a few days but I can't help but throw a tantrum upon hearing the news. Don't even talk to me if it's some idiot straight couple under the age of 20 that had a whoops!!! Hang in there! Us underdogs have to finally come ahead at some point!
ReplyDeleteThe thing that tears at you in TTC mode is the *endlessness* of it, counting cycles backward and forward (how many till we start to worry, how many till we switch donors/doctors/tactics) but-- for me anyway-- it helped to remember that it will not be forever. It is infuriating that some people seem to get pregnant by just thinking about it while for other, the TTC part is as long or longer than the pregnancy itself :( Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, this. It's so incredibly unfair that some folks get pregnant so quickly and easily while other incredibly deserving folks have to fight so hard for it. And it's awful to have so little control over the process. Hang in there! It really won't last forever.
ReplyDelete