This is not something that I've posted a lot about thus far as it has really been in the abstract (mainly in the form of years of conversations between W, KDand me) but this summer, now that Izzy is more of a person, we are starting to see how our "family" of 2 moms, one toddler and a known donor is coming together and Ive noticed some things. Id be interested to hear how other families with KDs have navigated these waters or any insights others might have.
Since we spend most of our time on the East Coast, across the country from KD, our day-to-day reality takes the form of weekly phone calls, often accompanied by Facetime or Skype dates so that he and Izzy can "interact" or at least see each other. Im an only child and W has a younger sister who is nowhere near having kids so part of our interest in having a KD is that he would serve as an uncle that our child(ren) would otherwise not have. KD is a close friend and a part of our lives regardless of his biological connection to our family, but its been really interesting to see how our relationship has evolved between the 3 adults. In many ways, he has become like a sibling (or at least another member of the family). Unlike our other close friends in CA who we tend to drift apart from when we are not in town, we feel responsible for staying up-to-date on the daily happenings of KDs life and providing support from afar. Its not that we feel indebted to him, but more that we made a commitment to be actively in each others lives.This has sometimes felt like a challenge for W and I in the past year, as our lives were SO full, but we are continuing to find ways to balance it out.
Its also been really interesting to see how he has responded publicly to the role of being a KD. As a gay man, he has been surprised by all of the "positive attention" that he has gotten from his family and friends for his role in our family. Unlike other parts of his life, its easy for folks to understand and talk about. We have many mutual friends in common and his relationship to Izzy is known so it is a common topic of conversation even when we are not around. His parents are incredible supportive of him and his gay brother, and are incredibly respectful of our 2-mom (only!) family but they also get very excited about their only female psydo-grandchild and thus plan their trip out to CA in the summer to coordinate with ours. While he is not a "dad" this act of "fathering" a child is a common hetero-normative concept and thus people are very comfortable asking him about Izzy and being excited about whats going on in her life and sometimes I think that can be challenging for him -- but its also one of the key reasons he was interested in joining our family -- to participate more fully in a child's life.
Lastly, KD and Izzy's relationship has started to develop independent of us. The first week we were here, I think it was a bit hurtful for KD that she didnt show great interest in him (compared to or above other friends), but he has patiently built a connection around common interests (ha! namely food...) and slowly their relationship has started to evolve. As she gets older and they have more shared experiences we hope that they will be closer, but just like everything else in life, that is something they will have to navigate on their own.
Anyways, there ramblings are a bit all over the place, but I thought I would throw them out. We dont have any close friends who have a KD situation similar to ours so Id love to hear any feedback or thoughts.
Since we spend most of our time on the East Coast, across the country from KD, our day-to-day reality takes the form of weekly phone calls, often accompanied by Facetime or Skype dates so that he and Izzy can "interact" or at least see each other. Im an only child and W has a younger sister who is nowhere near having kids so part of our interest in having a KD is that he would serve as an uncle that our child(ren) would otherwise not have. KD is a close friend and a part of our lives regardless of his biological connection to our family, but its been really interesting to see how our relationship has evolved between the 3 adults. In many ways, he has become like a sibling (or at least another member of the family). Unlike our other close friends in CA who we tend to drift apart from when we are not in town, we feel responsible for staying up-to-date on the daily happenings of KDs life and providing support from afar. Its not that we feel indebted to him, but more that we made a commitment to be actively in each others lives.This has sometimes felt like a challenge for W and I in the past year, as our lives were SO full, but we are continuing to find ways to balance it out.
Its also been really interesting to see how he has responded publicly to the role of being a KD. As a gay man, he has been surprised by all of the "positive attention" that he has gotten from his family and friends for his role in our family. Unlike other parts of his life, its easy for folks to understand and talk about. We have many mutual friends in common and his relationship to Izzy is known so it is a common topic of conversation even when we are not around. His parents are incredible supportive of him and his gay brother, and are incredibly respectful of our 2-mom (only!) family but they also get very excited about their only female psydo-grandchild and thus plan their trip out to CA in the summer to coordinate with ours. While he is not a "dad" this act of "fathering" a child is a common hetero-normative concept and thus people are very comfortable asking him about Izzy and being excited about whats going on in her life and sometimes I think that can be challenging for him -- but its also one of the key reasons he was interested in joining our family -- to participate more fully in a child's life.
Lastly, KD and Izzy's relationship has started to develop independent of us. The first week we were here, I think it was a bit hurtful for KD that she didnt show great interest in him (compared to or above other friends), but he has patiently built a connection around common interests (ha! namely food...) and slowly their relationship has started to evolve. As she gets older and they have more shared experiences we hope that they will be closer, but just like everything else in life, that is something they will have to navigate on their own.
Anyways, there ramblings are a bit all over the place, but I thought I would throw them out. We dont have any close friends who have a KD situation similar to ours so Id love to hear any feedback or thoughts.
Very neat! Our KD situation didn't work out which makes me so sad for our son. Had it worked out he wouldn't have been as involved, but it would have been nice for HP to be able to connect with him as he got older. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteWhile our KD was a female we are also experiencing similar things with how often to stay connected, what is expected, what we are comfortable with, etc. We are so indebted to her for her gift of a family to us, and we want to stay close to her...but there is also a balance that all three of us have recognized that needs to be in place. I kind of relate to your "sibling" comment as it's beginning to evolve in to something like that...but still not sure. Thanks for posting this. I'm not sure if I offered up any new insights but if you have any questions, please email me. Email address is on our blog. :-)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. I've always felt fascinated about how the everyday relationships work in a KD/2 mom situation.
ReplyDeleteI have too many thoughts on this to write in a comment! Our KD plays the "role" of Buggie's dad, so our situation is a bit different. It's actually working out great so far. We see him about once a week. His parents have come to visit (they live far away) and are planning to come again for Buggie's 1st bday. There was an LGBT families picnic last weekend that we all went to together which was pretty great. I have to say, the situation can be complicated, but it's working out pretty great so far.
ReplyDeleteMama Karma here - having some trouble commenting, hope this works! I'm so glad you wrote about this. We didn't use a KD but thought about it, and I still think about it a lot for baby #2 (though I think that we should go the open-ID-anon route for all kids just so things are ... I dunno, equal in that dept). I've always been curious about how a KD's extended family would factor into the picture -- am actually also curious about how / if that will play a role someday when J presumably looks up his donor's ID. My (single gay male) cousin is a KD, and his mom, my aunt, loves being the grandma to the daughter he helped conceive. This is in part because she has no other grandchildren (or likely prospects for more). She was so excited to be a grandma that she "wooed" the girl's moms and slowly developed her own relationship with them over time. Meanwhile, cousin is a kind of uncle to the little girl, much as you describe here, I think.
ReplyDeleteIzzy is adorable, btw. Of course, you know that, but for reals. Cuteness.