Milk Mama...

Izzy spends 2 day a week with W's parents. Her bubbe, in particular, has been teaching her to sign. W's mom is fluent in ASL and as a professor who teaches teachers about universal design, was really excited to get Izzy signing as soon as possible. As this community probably knows, there is only one sign for Mother, however, there are several work-arounds. Mother-ending in a "Y" for mommy or Mother-ending in the sign for "milk" -- aka. Milk Mama. While we have gone with the former, we always joke about me being the Milk Mama - and maybe thats why this has been so hard for me...

After several weeks of trial and error, we have discovered that Izzy's allergies/reflux are much better when she is on a super-duper hypoallergenic formula. Ive cut out gluten, soy, dairy and eggs for the past few months but there seems to be something that we aren't catching. Our GI pedi is AMAZING -- and has offered to work with me on a rotating schedule of elimination to figure out whatelse it could be -- nuts, fish, meat, certain kinds of meat, certain veggies, etc...but you get the point. There is no quick answer and each new food elimination trial takes a week to really "show up" so we could be doing this for months not really sure if we have isolated the right combo and she continues to be up and night and uncomfortable. Meanwhile, she slept *much* better and seems generally happier on her 3-day (and now almost 5 days) trial-run on the formula.

So..even though Im sad about it, I think I've decided to stop nursing. I cant decide if I'm sad or guilty, actually. Clearly, if I keep feeding her, it would be for me, and not her. The formula seems to irritate her reflux less and for the past month or so its been a matter of chasing her around the room and pinning her down to actually get her to nurse. She would much rather grab a bottle and keep playing. I had hoped/planned to nurse (either by bottle or boob) for at least a year - and maybe thats just my yuppy-mom guilt saying that stopping at 7 months is a cop-out. Nursing has never been a huge part of our bonding (particularly since she has become mobile) and the only time I really miss it, is in the morning when she would cuddle in bed / feed between W and I. But still, its been a really hard decision to give it up. Being her Milk Mama has not made us closer than say, she and W are, but it has sort of defined our relationship. From Day 1 I have been in awe of how our bodies, my body, can provide all of the food needed to sustain this little life. And when I look at the side of the canister of formula and cant even pronounce half of the ingredients, it makes me upset. W and I both love food, love to eat and love to eat well. We buy/eat pretty much 100% organic, humanly-raised food. Formula does NOT fit with our own eating style. When I expressed this to W, she said -- "sure, but Izzy cant tolerate organic whole milk, even after its passed through your body, so she needs pre-digested milk solids AKA some word most of us cant even spell)"...and its true, but still hard..

So yes, its probably a combination of the yuppy-mom-guilt, identity-crisis and the food-lovers shame of not being able to control the quality and yummyiness of every little thing I put in her body, but....the 11 hours of sleep and cheerful little pea that woke up this morning tells me that its time to stop.....so now I really am just Mother-Y

*Note - this post is certainly NOT a critique on others who have chosen to formula feed from Day 1 or any other time, or had to for other reasons, it was my personal preference to breastfeed, but what works (or as it were, doesnt work) for me, isn't the same for others.